I live in a place that is very tasteful.  It’s so tasteful that it’s hard to see street signs.  It’s so tasteful visitors get confused because the McDonald’s looks like a bank.  And the bank looks like a big house.  (Or should we say, a McMansion?)

The truth is, Hilton Head Island was carefully developed to retain as much of the natural environment as possible, and to intrude on the quite lovely natural beauty as little as possible.  And people come from far and wide to experience this.  But still.

I like a little neon in my life.

So when that angry red swirl on the weather map, Hurricane Matthew, was inevitably headed our way, my husband and I hightailed it outta here.  And we honestly didn’t say “Gee, let’s go someplace that is the polar opposite of where we live”, but that is where we ended up.  Consequently we experienced a break in the “Hurricane Evacuation Space/Time Continuum” which allowed us to have the most entertaining evacuation EVER.

We went to Helen Georgia.

“Alpine Helen” is a replica of a Bavarian town that was constructed primarily in the 70s to resurrect a dying logging town.  Located on the Chattahoochee River in the foot hills of the Blue Ridge Mountains, it is a beautiful mountain-y setting, particularly in October.  But the main thing to know about Helen?  It is fake fake fake.  As make-believe as a theme park.

And consequently, NOT tasteful.  Yay!!

This place is fantastic:  All the buildings are required to have this classic German-style gingerbread-house look, and guess what?  Even the McDonald’s, even the bank, and even this:

Some of the locals walk about in traditional German costumes.  It’s all very Euro-Disney, but for grown-ups.  Actually, it’s more like that carnival that comes to town.  You know, the one that’s a little dicey?

Anyway we totally lucked out:  Oktoberfest was in full swing!  We immediately made our way to the FESTHALLE, which is like a big beer garden with picnic-table seating and a lively, convivial atmosphere.  There was a band playing polka music, classic German drinking tunes (I gathered), and general “fun party songs” so even though we never drank anything stronger than Coke, the Jolly-Beer-Effect came over us like a contact high.  We ate some really good bratwurst with sauerkraut, and the next thing we knew we were doing the chicken dance FULL OUT, followed by the Macarena, and yelling “Oi Oi Oi!” and I just don’t remember what all.  Wow.  It was great.

After that we just let ourselves get swept up in the scene:  quaint artificial alleyways, fake cobblestone streets, fudge shops (actually, these were real…and delicious!), and apparently extremely popular tattoo parlors.  We were so happy and grateful to lose ourselves in this charming madness, never mind that we had moved into complete DENIAL about the huge storm that was at that moment raging on our hometown.  (The 5 Stages of Hurricane Evacuation Emotion are real, and will be covered in another blog.)

I don’t care what anybody says, Helen is a great escape in a picturesque location.  Check your cynicism (and your architectural standards) at the city limits and you will have a ball.  Just ignore that old saying…

My brother, who works in the beautiful Unicoi State Park which is adjacent to Helen, tells me there is a saying among local law enforcement about Helen.  It’s this:

“They arrive on vacation, they stay in incarceration, and they leave on probation.”

To which I say “Oi Oi Oi!”